Who am I?
I no longer wish to be defined by my identity at birth, my gender, my demography, my family, my friends, and the rest of the labels that I got since the day I was born.
But if I leave all these labels behind, what am I left with?
As a modern man -
- Why do I feel safe being a part of a group?
- Why do I seek validation in what society has to offer?
- Why am I participating in this game of life?
- Why am I in a relentless pursuit of the future, something that will never arrive?
As we grow, somehow we lose our sense of self. It's lost among the millions of things you could do with your finite time here. A constant tussle between what you need vs what you want. Something that will carry on till the day you die.
You have no option but to be a part of this game. Or else you would be an outlier, left alone. While everyone else like a madman runs towards their moving goalposts. A game where the goals keep on getting farther the faster you run. But sadly you don't have time enough to sit on the sidewalk and observe. Think about why you are running. You are running because everyone else is. That's the logic. You must live with it all your life.
Since early teenage, I have been trying to answer the question - 'Who am I?'
But I have failed. The answers I come up with don't justify the life I want to live ahead.
Why?
Because my definition of a good life keeps on changing every minute. Oftentimes I've tried to deduce it all down to the bare minimum - just the non-negotiables, yet the definition is bleak and grim. It doesn't make me happy or content.
When you detach yourself from the material realm. It gets a little empty up there. Ofocuse there are fleeting thoughts, faster than the speed of light. But there are also moments of utter silence. Its a chaos.
Somedays you want to play the 'game of society' and on some you want to play the 'game of solitude'. Depends on your mood, how much reality you can soak in for the day, and how badly you want to be in your head. You keep on going back and forth.
- I have a lot of guilt on the days I choose the 'game of solitude' over the 'game of society'.
- I feel empty on the days I choose the opposite.
Is guilt better than feeling empty?
The days keep on passing, but the answer isn't in plain sight. My time here is finite, and as much as I don't want to obsess over it. I do want to make good use of the time I have left.
Will answering 'Who am I' - without the labels of society help, or is it just an excuse to justify me being a recluse?
Who knows, I don't want to answer this just yet!
In case you have found an answer to 'Who am I', share it with me at - makingitsimplefortheworld@gmail.com
Maybe it helps me find mine!
Till next time!