Writer's Journal

The Vanity of Relationships

I haven't been able to make sense of - how important relationships are for me. As a species and a civilization, what role relationships have played in making us who we are today?

From where I see it, I find relationships to be very superficial. Something borne out of nothing but a deep-rooted want of 'not wanting to be alone'. They are quite erratic, unpredictable, consuming, and demanding. ( Or maybe the relationships I've had, I have always been on the other side)

For more clarity, let's not refer to everything as relationships. My point of focus for this argument is the following kinds of relationships:

Since we are born, our exposure to most relationships is limited, except for the first three categories. These three also play a pivotal role in shaping our worldview and perception. In defining what's the limit and what are the possibilities.

They have a great influence on how we are going to live our lives. What kind of relationships will we seek, and what would be our life's goals and purpose. The first three categories aren't some imaginary or fantasy relationship rather they are real people with real personalities.

We have spent so much time and energy with them that we know them at their worst and their best. So many valuable and heavy transactions have taken place that these relationships will leave a lasting impact on our personalities. To an extent, that they will influence what we make of our lives and other people we meet.

But as we grow old, we start to see these relationships not as a bond but as bondage. Something we are supposed to break free from or just maintain a status quo with. Feels like a relationship on a ventilator.

We demonize the people on the other end of these relationships. And start over in an endless pursuit of 'the perfect relationship'. We seek what we lack in our romantic partners, our new friends, and the rest of the world.

For me, the reality check happened when I was 22. Old enough as per law, but still that amateur kid who was shrouded from the dark side of these relationships.

I am not sure when exactly your parents think that you are old enough to reveal the truth too. But the people who were once your ideals - the best mom, the best dad, the best granddad, the best grandmom, the best friend, the best aunt, the best uncle, and more. Somehow these prefixes of 'the best' vanish. As if it never existed.

You learn that the world and people in it are so much grey that calling them black or white is an understatement. You no longer can tell the truth from the lie. You can no longer judge who is right and wrong.

You are always there for everyone you have a relationship with but never with them. You see who they are and what they have done. Their situations, their challenges, the pressure they were in, and how they dealt with it. Other than the name or the relation - you now share nothing more in common.

The opinions, the outlook, the emotions, the ideas, the future, everything diverges like two rivers that will never meet again.

As much as you crave the relationship to be as fresh and pure as it was when you were still a kid, you know that can never happen. It's tainted now.

They will never unlearn things about you, and you will never unlearn things about them. Or you both might never try. Because it's painful. And the society won't let you. It's nothing less than a heartbreak. And you will live with this broken heart till the end of time.

I have somehow misplaced the soul of all my relationships.

No matter how hard I try, the water never stays still. Every interaction causes a ripple so big that we drift further. Both of us are just managing to keep our paper boats stay afloat in an ocean of big ships.

And it's okay maybe!

This insight has had an immense influence on me. I have confided in the idea - that relationships are nothing more than our search for validation. Validation of our existence, our worth, our flaws, our emotions, and our pursuits. No matter what relation it is. As you grow, you will only seek relationships where your 'I' stands out.

To form relationships where you are -

Happy to give more than you take
Happy to mend more than you break

Seek calm and solace
Not compete or race

Be there for the other person, and be more selfless
Be their light in the dark, their reason to care less

Those kinds of relationships are hard to create
Because you need to seek something deeper than vanity, something that carries weight