No longer enjoy living
never knew that life could turn upside down so soon. can't trace back exactly when I lost the taste and fun of living. everything started to appear as a task or a burden that needed to be lifted. each day passed heavily. fell out of love with things that I had unconditionally loved as a child. writing became hard, listening to songs became hard, reading became hard, and letting people into my world became harder. each day felt like a tough survival. no goals, no hopes, no dreams. as if i have let go of everything i once wanted. why?
well, i don't really know.
every day I used to hit rock bottom. and the next day, go even deeper. there seemed no end to this. lost all connections. stopped interacting with the real world. had no friends to whom i could open up to. stopped being vulnerable and shut myself up. i hate to call it depression but it felt something close to it.
i didn't want to worry people so never let it out. only labeled it as overthinking and passed each day with a heavy heart. days turned into months, and months into years. feeling sad became a part of my identity, and hiding it from the world became my coping mechanism.
don't know how a young, docile, happy, and optimistic child turned into the above person. it is sad, just sad. now that i am finding it hard to articulate it in words, it feels even worse.
i haven't given up yet. i still think there is hope to be my happy self again. to cope with reality without losing my sanity ( whatever is left i mean ). will let you know once i figure it out.